He Said What? Silly Announcements Heard By Subway Commuters

Radio people often tease each other about things we would say if there were no restrictions. Not dirty things, or controversial, just those kernels of honesty which we pass over in the name of politeness and civility. Also because we're chickenshit. If we were brave, we'd be on TV so people would know us on sight. My mind was made up on that score long ago. I was standing in the grocery checkout line when I noticed one of the TV weather people standing in line in front of me... As the checker rang up his groceries, he recognized the weatherman, and proceeded to go off on him.

"You said it would be sunny yesterday, so I was cooking out when here came the rain. Ruined my food, What'd you say that for? I ain't never gonna listen to you again"  I decided to be very glad that I could maintain my secret identity and save my superpowers for more useful things, such as fighting crime and sleeping

I was thinking about this when I came across some announcements made tp passengers on the London Underground, which as we all know from. A Fish Callled Wanda is not a political movement. 

If you have never seen A Fish Called Wanda, get the hell out of the house and go rent a copy, the movie's been around for over twenty years. Where do you live? In a tree?  (See, that's an example of the kind of thing we'd enjoy saying.)

And I imagine  the very proper British day trippers (that's what they call commun\ters. I threw in that tidbit for the ladies, so you'd think I'm a sophisticated world traveler and might be the sort of guy it would be fun to be around) were both surprised and amused at the folowing announcements:.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."   

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

10) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

11) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'Stand clear of the doors!' don't you understand?"